No. It sounds simple enough, right? But for some, it can be extremely difficult to say no. Just the idea of it can strike terror in the heart, and then the “what ifs” begin: What if I hurt the other person’s feelings? What if they get angry at me? What if they don’t want to be friends anymore? What if they think I’m mean? What if I really am being mean?
And so, in the end, yes wins out over no…over and over again. And then the real problems begin. Ironic since saying yes seemed like it would make life easier! The truth is, when we always say yes, even when we want to say no, bad things start to happen:
We begin to feel taken advantage of by others, even those we love and trust
We become resentful (“Why can’t they do any of this stuff for themselves?”)
We get down on ourselves (“Why don’t I have a backbone?”)
Our self-respect takes a hit
We become irritable
We become exhausted by the needs of others
We don’t take care of ourselves because we’re so busy taking care of others
We become overwhelmed and burned out
We enable others to avoid responsibility
We begin to wonder if there’s a neon sign on our foreheads stating “Ask Me! I always say yes!”
To answer the last bulleted item—No, there’s not a neon sign on our foreheads. But there might as well be because it doesn’t take long for others to figure out who won’t tell them no. And once they’ve figured that out, they keep coming back for more yesses. Some are quite deliberate about it (hello, manipulative user) but others just know that this person is always available to help them out. And let’s be honest, sometimes it’s nice to be needed by others, isn’t it? It says we’re capable and competent. Others have faith in us to get the job done.
The problem is that when we never say no, we aren’t taking care of ourselves. We all need to be able to set appropriate limits and boundaries in our relationships. Those limits let others know “I’m available to you up to a point. And I’ll let you know when I’m at that point so you can make other plans.” When we feel like we have no choice but to say yes (mostly because of our own self-talk—see opening paragraph of “what-ifs”!) we understandably feel a loss of control. We feel beholden to others, like they are calling the shots just by asking (because we can’t say no!). Soon we feel overwhelmed, and then resentful, angry, and frustrated.
So what if, instead, we just tell people no when we don’t want to do something? No excuses, no elaborate explanations, just a simple, “No, I can’t do that for you today.” There. You just took some of your control back. Notice what that would feel like. Does “liberating” come to mind? Notice an uptick in your self-respect? Notice too, possibly, a glimmer of new-found respect for you in the other person’s eye.
So is it mean to say no? Well, let’s consider why we sometimes think saying no is mean. The assumption is that “nice people say yes” and “mean people say no.” Do you think that’s actually true or is it something we grew up with and never questioned? I recall a conversation with a friend who distinguished in her mind a difference between being “nice” and being “kind.” To her, nice is what “good girls and boys” strive to be; it is somewhat synonymous with “doormat.” Kind, on the other hand, is a value that we can strive toward. It suggests a well-reasoned sense of what is right and wrong in regard to how we treat others. A kind person can say yes to a request for all the right reasons and say no to a request for all the right reasons. Here are a few good reasons to say no:
Saying yes would inconvenience you and you would prefer to not be inconvenienced
You’ve said yes a lot to this person and they have never returned the favor
You’re uncomfortable with the request for any reason
You know the other person could do the task perfectly well by themselves
You’re tired
You have too much to do
You think the request is inappropriate
You hardly know the person asking
The request will cost you time, treasure, or energy that you don’t have to give away
Good reasons to say yes:
You truly want to fulfill the request for any reason (and you know when you do!)
You are honor bound to help the other person for a reason you respect (a child in your life needs you, an ill person in your life needs you)
So, is it mean to say no? Only if being mean was actually your intention.
I’ve often had clients worry that saying no will hurt the other person’s feelings. It’s always a possibility, depending on that person’s level of sensitivity. However, do we really want to take responsibility for their hurt feelings? Not to put too fine a point on it, but isn’t that exactly the kind of thinking that gets us into this mess in the first place? Saying no to someone is not an indictment of them or a comment on your feelings for the person. It is simply a statement of what you are willing or not willing to do on a particular day. Allow the other person to take responsibility for their own reaction to the “no.” If they are upset, they can discuss it with you.
What if the other person gets angry when you say no? What exactly is the worry there? That they will get angry and not like you anymore? That they will get angry and yell at you? First, how likely is it that this concern will come true? Keep in mind how outsized we can sometimes allow our fears to become. The reality is often much different. However, if this is a realistic concern, how badly do you want a person in your life who gets angry if you set an appropriate limit on what you are, and are not, willing to do for them? Is this someone who has your best interests at heart? Use positive self-talk to remind yourself that you are simply asserting yourself, that you will not implode if someone expresses anger toward you, and that you needn’t be held hostage by the fear of others’ hostility.
Sometimes we also worry that if we refuse a request the person won’t want to be friends anymore. Please consider the same questions as were discussed in regard to others becoming angry in response to you saying “no”: Is the worry realistic? And if so, what kind of friend are they in the first place? Is someone who only likes you if you do what they ask really a friend?
So how do you say no? You say no with honesty and kind firmness. You can use your facial expressions and body language to emphasize your feelings about the request as well. If you feel that the person is trying to take advantage of you and/or is overly persistent, focus more on firmness. Here are a few examples of what can be said:
“I would if I could, but I am just exhausted and can’t do that for you today.”
“That’s just not something I’m comfortable doing so I’m going to say no.”
“I’m so sorry, I’m just not in a position to help you out with that.”
“I can’t do that for you but I can tell you how to do it.”
“No, because I bet you can do that one yourself.”
“No, I don’t have the resources to put toward that request.”
“No, not this time.”
“No, I can’t.”
“No.”
Saying “no” gets easier each time you do it and realize that you’ve survived. And the really great thing about learning to say “no” is that when you choose to say “yes” you will mean it from the bottom of your heart.
If you are interested in learning more about relationship counseling, please contact Dr. Jana Drew at 512-960-5265 or contact her here. She offers a free 30-minute consultation and would welcome the chance to discuss your concerns with you.