Every relationship is a little different from the next but all relationships benefit from healthy forms of communication. If you already incorporate the following into your relationships, kudos to you. But if relationships have been a little bumpy lately consider the following as possible ways to improve your situation.
1. Can you talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly?
Being able to bring up and discuss difficult topics is critical to the maintenance of a healthy relationship. If you can’t, what’s getting in the way? Embarrassment? Defensiveness? Fear? First, see if your concerns about starting a conversation are reasonable. Are you blowing your concerns about the other person’s reaction out of proportion? Or is there a history between the two of you of having difficulty discussing these kinds of topics? Is there something you could do to make the conversation go better? Expressing that you’d like to have a productive conversation and setting ground rules for the discussion can be helpful (e.g. no name calling, time outs can be called if needed, etc.). Use some of the other tools discussed here to bring up and talk about your concerns with your partner. The longer things are left unsaid, the more likely that they will ferment into a toxic relationship stew.
2. Are you able to give and receive compliments?
As a general rule, people like to hear about what they’ve done right or well. Conversely, never or rarely being complimented by our loved ones can feel like no one’s noticing or cares. If you get in the habit of noticing and complimenting, you will likely find that others return the favor. If it’s hard for you to receive compliments, why is that? For a lot of folks in that category it comes down to not believing they deserve kind words. If that’s you, it’s time to start seriously challenging those beliefs.
3. Can you be honest about your needs as an individual as well as your needs within the relationship?
We all need private time as well as time with other people. If the other person—whether it’s your partner, friend, or family member—doesn’t understand that, then it’s time to set some new boundaries. If you have trouble understanding that others need that space, then it’s time for you to re-set your own boundaries to incorporate this idea.
4. Can you argue fairly?
We are all going to disagree at some point, and the way in which you do that is important. Some rules for arguing with all due respect for yourself and the other person:
No name calling.
No raised voices.
No comparing the person to someone you both find distasteful or that you both know to be difficult (e.g. “You’re just like your mother!”).
No attacking the other person’s personality (“You’re always so neurotic!” ).
No responding with contempt (and if you do this, you know who you are).
No bringing up the past that’s already been hashed out and laid to rest (stay focused on the present).
No giving the silent treatment.
Try, try, try not to be defensive—once you get in the defensive crouch it’s hard to keep the conversation moving forward.
On the other hand…
Do speak calmly.
Do listen to the other person.
Do validate the other person’s concerns.
Do tell the other person clearly what’s bothering you.
Do consider your timing before you even start the discussion—does the other person have a big work assignment due in the morning and is already stressed out? If so, postpone the discussion unless it’s imperative that it be resolved now.
Do take a break if one or both of you need some time to cool down.
Do be open to compromise rather than “winning” and to the concept of “agreeing to disagree.” Both of your perspectives can have truth to them.
Do try to see the other person’s viewpoint.
Do work together to provide a safe and supportive environment in which to share feelings.
5. Can you stay focused on the other person?
No matter who you’re talking to or what the situation is, focus on the other person! That means no cell phone, no multi-tasking. When you try to text while talking a couple of things happen: 1) You probably don’t do either thing particularly well; and 2) you communicate very clearly that the person in the room with you is less important than the person on the other end of your gadget. If you have to send a message, say “Excuse me for one moment. I have to send this text and then I can put this phone away and really listen to what you’re saying.” And then do so in less than a minute.
6. Can you listen well?
Part of being a good communicator is listening. Listening is actually an active behavior if you’re good at it. A good listener is making eye contact, nodding, commenting on what the other person is saying, asking questions, and murmuring “oh!” and “no!” and “really?” What they aren’t doing is interrupting, looking bored or disinterested, or redirecting the conversation to themselves. What this last tip means is that when the person is telling their story you don’t interrupt and say “that same thing happened to me…” and then hijack the conversation. You can eventually turn the conversation to that same thing happening to you, but not until you’ve first paid adequate dues to the other person’s story.
7. Can you avoid judging the other person?
Few things will derail a conversation faster than someone feeling judged. Judging happens through facial expressions (rolling eyes, smug smiles), sounds (annoyed sighs, snorts of derision), and words (“Why on earth would you do that?” “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”). You can express a genuine concern to the other person without shaming or belittling them.
8. Can you apologize?
If your answer is “But I’m never wrong!” then there’s a problem. We all make mistakes and we all need to receive feedback sometimes from those we care about. Take the feedback graciously and really consider the validity of what the other person is saying. If you owe the person an apology, then take responsibility for what you did and apologize with sincerity and without exceptions (No: “I’m sorry I said that, but when you did that it made me so mad…”). Apologize for your behavior and not the other person’s reaction (“I’m sorry I was so late to pick you up” not “I’m sorry I made you mad.”) Bonus points for validating why the other person is upset: “I can really understand why you’re so upset with me. I’m really sorry I did that.”
9. Can you give up mind-reading?
We all do this at times: We are absolutely certain that we know what the other person is thinking about us or a situation and we jump to conclusions. Often these conclusions are upsetting, so now we’re feeling some kind of negative emotion…and it’s all based on the initial belief that we know what the other person is thinking. If I pass you in the hallway and don’t say hello it could be because I’m upset with you but it also could be because I didn’t sleep well last night and am in a fog, or I don’t have my glasses on and literally couldn’t make out who you are, or I’m distracted by the upsetting discussion I just had with my boss. Let the other person take responsibility for raising their own concerns. If they don’t, then conclude that nothing is wrong. After all, you’re not a mind-reader.
If you are consistently having trouble with communication and it’s getting in the way of relationships and your happiness, consider doing some individual therapy work. If you’d like to discuss your concerns and the possibility of therapy, please contact me, Dr. Jana Drew, at 512-960-5265 or contact me here. I offer a free 30-minute consultation and welcome the opportunity to work with you!